I was speaking to my ex boyfriend recently. He had broken up with his girlfriend, a girl who just a few months ago he told me was the first person he’d had feelings for the way he had me. He and I broke up over three years ago.

He told me that she was aggressive, insulting, needed constant validation and was volatile. I stated to him that he had an ex who had PTSD surface during the relationship but he sounded to me as though this girl was worse and he responded “yep”.

As we were generally chatting away, I can’t recall the exact words he used but basically, what I heard was that he still wonders why things didn’t work with us. I’ve said to him a few times before, that it was the timing, PTSD began to surface in me just before I met him. He was the one who would hold my hand just a little too tight or say a phrase that triggered something and I’d be hysterically rocking back and forward in the corner of the kitchen, hidden by the cupboards. He’d always ask me just to tell him not to say or do things so that he didn’t upset me again. It clearly tore him apart believing he’d caused me to break down. The thing with PTSD is, you don’t know what’s going to trigger the anxiety attacks until they actually happen.

After that conversation this week I’ve been thinking, ever since Brent, have I actually really given anyone a proper chance? The ex I mentioned in this blog, told me that he bought his recent ex flowers every other week. He bought me flowers a couple of times but I’d practically brushed him off for it. Now I wonder, why? I used to joke that chocolate would stay with me longer (on my hips) but thinking about it, Brent would buy flowers for me frequently in the days he still treated me ‘normally’.

Do I subconsciously expect that a man who showers me with gifts or love is going to turn in to an abusive man somewhere down the track?

I try to insist that any guy I date let’s me pay for things from the start. My go to ‘pick up line’, whilst in a bar, ever since I was in my teens, is “Can I buy you a drink?”. No man has ever refused. However, I’ve also never seriously dated a man that I ‘picked up in a bar’.

It’s been almost seven years since Brent was in my life. It’s time. Time that I realised that my need to control every moment of my life is probably something that’s held me back. Time to actually give people a chance to break through my wall. Time to trust men again.

1 Comment

  1. Greetings/BLESSINGS

    I simply cannot thank you enough for having the courage to share your testimony with the world… I identify so much with your testimony…. there are so many women & children on this earth who have suffered so much terror, horror n abusive violence trying to figure out how to survive… for we who have survived the physical side of it for many years in our life going through the healing process peeling off the onion rings of scars; the emotional , psychological & spiritual soul trauma scars that causes PTSD, IS A MUST!

    How do we communicate to their survival, their healing, their worthiness, their REBIRTH , RENEWAL in their reborn VIRGINATY, into their INCREDIBLE VALUE THAT THEY ARE DIAMONDS HAVING SURVIVED N HEALED FROM THE CONSTANT FRICTION N PRESSURE TO CREATE THEIR DIAMOND, that makes US ALL DIAMONDS?


    We MUST GIVE YOURSELVES PERMISSION, CLAIM OUR RIGHT TO BE THE PERFECT HUMAN YOU WERE CREATED TO BE N BECOME…. I & we survivors GIVE EACH OTHER PERMISSION TO TAKE BACK THAT RIGHT….our BIRTHRIGHT that was raped & stollen from us against our will when we were violently terrorized & abused almost to death….IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, it never was your fault… was never about YOU or us … it was about the energy controlling the terrorizor, abuser, victimizor….we were in the wrong place at the wrong time… not ours to arrange….we were caught in the middle of a war between evil vs GOOD….hasatan vs YAH….a journey we were sent to learn to build CHARACTER on as we lived life filled with evil vs GOOD!

    As Edmund Burke wrote “Evil abounds when good men/women do nothing!”

    Liked by 1 person

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