More often than I should…

Do you ever find yourself completely stuck in your head, anxious because you’re unable to escape your thoughts? Or worse, having your mind constantly occupied with thoughts of someone you know you should be pushing out?

Recently, I found out that he’s a father, Brent has a child. I can’t help but wonder, is his wife safe? I hope that she has never seen the side of him that I saw. I wonder, was she ready to be a mum or was it simply because he didn’t  “…want to be 40 and not fit enough to play football with” his child? Why am I even giving him time to occupy in my mind?

My last relationship ended four years ago. It was during that time that PTSD symptoms began. Our breakup was amicable, we still speak fairly often as friends.  However, a month or so ago, my head was sending me back to our happy times, wanting him back. I would think, he know’s the worst of me, it’s easier to be with him than have to show my scars to someone new. If something has failed before, it’s bound to fail again, right?

There’s the man I spent two years with, more as companions as neither of us were in love with the other. I occasionally find myself wondering how he’s going. Why do I care? Yes, he was a big support to me through a personally challenging time. He’s moved on, and it’s not as though I’m “hung up” on him, so why do I want to know how he is? Perhaps it’s because I lost another male friend to a woman who felt threatened by our friendship?

Then there’s that one man who somehow, within a very short time last year, made his way in to my heart. It frustrates me so much that even though it’s been well over a year, he still randomly comes in to my head. He made a point of breaking through my wall but as quickly as he entered my life, he exited. He had to move back to the other side of the country, he was gone. He’s out of my heart now but frustratingly, not gone from my mind.

I find myself questioning, why do I think of these men more often than I should? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let go of them all completely and move on? Each of them has changed me or helped me grow. None of them was right for me then and they’re not right for me now, so why am I letting them hold me back from letting someone else in? I guess, perhaps I’m keeping my wall up, even though I promised myself I would stop building it.  I tell the world that I don’t suffer PTSD anymore but is that truthful? The truth is, I don’t know, I guess that now I just know how to get through it.

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